Letters to Jay #5: Week 34

Dear son,

We’ve come so far, you and I. It’s just a few weeks now before we meet. This is the final stretch in the road. A lot has changed since the last letter, let’s see the updates:

  • The phone calls I was waiting for came! I got two amazing-okay good- job offers at the very same time and had to make a tough decision but in the end I am happy that I took up my current job. No regrets so far. It’s respectable, earns enough for now with potential for more in the future, opportunities for travel abound (don’t worry I won’t leave you behind) and a medical insurance cover for us. That means you’ll be born in a good hospital and your medical needs will be covered..
  • I revived Z, my laptop. All he needed was some cleaning, I think some cockroaches had bred and lived inside its motherboard. By the time you are reading this, you’ll probably not need to ask what a motherboard is.
  • I still write a weekly column for Zuqka, the pullout in the Friday Nation newspaper. Technobite. I love technology.
  • I never did write for the sports column, can’t find the time! (Or ideas!)
  • I’m still working on my master’s thesis, let’s hope I’ll graduate this June!
  • I’m lagging behind on my other blog, trying to keep it updated. Basically I need more hours in the day so I can do some writing (as well as some sleeping. I’m so sleepy of late.)

So you see, as I promised the future is going to be great.

At 34 weeks, I’m not waddling yet but I do feel the strain of standing or walking for too long. You are a lovely baby, squirming, stretching, kicking, and turning usually in the evenings as I rest after work. I can’t wait to see you on the screen again next week when I go for my next ante-natal clinic.

I have much to say but at the moment I have a lot of work to do, so I will write again soon.

Love,

Your mother.

Dear Jay: Confused #Letter 4

The internet is no longer  a place you can vent and tell your life’s secrets, it’s public ground. So while I write you this letter, bear in mind I’m not baring it all.

I quit my job.

Yes I know this may not be the right time, especially now. What will the future be like for us if I have no stable job and I quit this one after only three months at it? I worry about it but then I tell myself it will be alright in the end. I did the right thing, I wasn’t happy. I could hardly leave the house to go to work, I spent the hours looking at the clock ticking wondering when 5pm would reach so I could leave.

If I could start stating the reasons I left, it will simply boil down to this: I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t motivated to work. I thought the input wasn’t equal to the output, the amount of hours I put in should yield an amount at the end of the month that I could use for my expenses and have some left over for savings. But I couldn’t save a single cent. The constant pressure to perform at zero motivation left me without energy at the end of the day. I couldn’t write afterwards, and whatever doubts I may have as a writer were not the cause. My other blog remains un-updated for weeks, and I used to do like 3 posts a week. My schoolwork is ignored: I should be working on my master’s thesis right now but I haven’t spoken to my supervisor in weeks.

So yes, I’m broke, jobless, pregnant and single. I should be sobbing into my pillow every night.

Except I’m so happy.

I’m happy because I know in the end everything is going to be alright.

I’ll tell my family in November. Yes I know it’s the internet but sometimes the  best place to hide information is in plain sight.

I’ll wait for the two phone calls to the interviews that will change my life. I will not cross any fingers because I do not need to, I know my phone will ring and my time will come.

In the meantime, I need to revive Z, my laptop. Or magically acquire one. I’m going to write all day. Write articles for my Zuqka Technobyte column, write for the sportskenya.co.ke column that I was offered, write the proposal for my thesis, write for my blog, write for you, write for my readers. Then afterwards watch Series like Breaking Bad- hate the violence but like the plot.

I’m worried that I do not have medical insurance and you may end up being born in Pumwani or some other government maternity hospital *shudder* but I have a plan. Not sure what the plan is right now, but it’s there.

It’s my two days at work and I just don’t have the enthusiasm to work but have to get through it.

I want to go for the ultra-sound this week, see how you are progressing, will tell you how it goes.

Love,

Savvy.

Letters to Jay: Letter #3

Dear Jay,

Here is a song I love by Bon Jovi

Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it – I swear
Livin on a prayer

We’ve got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it’s all that you’ve got

I am happy today, full of hope for the future. We’ll make it, I swear.

Letters to Jay: Letter #1

Dear Jay,

 

It’s almost a month at work and I’m utterly, utterly depressed. Okay, put that way, it makes it sound like I’m in the depths of despair. You are supposed to be a source of my life’s joy and happiness but all I can think of right now is how much my life is ruined. You see, being 5 weeks means you are making my body produce some hormone that’s making me tired, giving me mood swings, the occasional backaches as I prepare for your future etc.

 

It’s going to be a journey, but since we embraced it, we are not going to look back, you and I. It’s a lifetime journey Jay.

 

 

I will write to your more when I have time, little one. Meanwhile, I have work pending, and schoolwork that needs completion since I’m in the final lap. My days are a blur, my nights are short, and I’m lost and confused. Yet I still hope. It’s one thing about me, I’m tenacious. I don’t let things just go. I’m gonna make it, and perhaps you are the motivation I needed.

Love you Jay.

Savvy.

2.

I speak
because I know my needs
I speak with hesitation
because I know not yours
my words
come from my life’s experiences
your understanding comes from yours

Because of this
what I say
and what you hear
may not be the same

So if you listen carefully
but not with your ears
to what I say
but not with my tongue

Maybe somehow
we can communicate

1.

Walk gently through the pages of this book
For here you will find many well worn paths
and some may even bear your footprints. If you
should find a particularly familiar path, do not
hesitate to pause long enough to say,
“I’ve been here before.”

Reason..

Am taking it easy
In the ride of my life
I have realized am very minute
In the grand scale of things
The last vestiges of my will
Keep me living day by day
In spite of the glaring fact
That am not immortal
After all, my time shall come to pass

For 20 years
I have trudged on and on
My soul is weary
My heart is broken
My body is bruised
My faith is gone
My abilities are dimmed
My perspective is skewed
My mind is in turmoil
Yet day by day
I still breathe in and out

The reason for living
Eludes me sometimes
Looking around me
I see those who peg their hopes on me
I see those who in me have great expectations
I see those to whom I bring joy
I see those to whom I bring pride
And I decide to go on living
Just for them
That they too may find a reason to live

A borrowed poem..

Lord, why did you make me black?

Why did you make someone the world would hold back?
Black is the color of dirty clothes, of grimy hands and feet….
Black is the color of darkness, of tired beaten streets….
Why did you give me thick lips, a broad nose and kinky hair?
Why did you create someone who receives the hated stare?
Black is the color of the bruised eye when someone gets hurt….
Black is the color of darkness, black is the color of dirt.
Why is my bone structure so thick, my hips and cheeks so high?
Why are my eyes brown, and not the color of the sky?
Why do people think am useless?
How come I feel so used?
Why do people see my skin and think I should be abused?
Lord, I just don’t understand….
What is it about my skin?

(God’s reply) Why I made you black..

I made you in the color of coal from which beautiful diamonds are formed…
I made you in the color of oil, the black gold, which keeps people warm.
Your color is the same as the rich dark soil that grows the food you need….
Your color is the same as the black stallion and panther,
Oh, what majestic creatures indeed!
All colors of the heavenly rainbow can be found throughout every nation……
When all these colors are blended,
You become my greatest Creation!
Your hair is the texture of lamb’s wool;
such a gentle creature is he…
I am the shepherd who watches over them,
I WILL always watch over thee!
You are the color of midnight sky;
I put star glitter in your eyes….
There is a beautiful smile hidden beneath your pain…
That is why your cheeks are so high!
You are the color of dark clouds from the hurricanes I create in September….
I made your lips so full and thick;
So when you kiss,, they will remember!
Your stature is strong,
your bone structure thick to withstand the burden of time…
The reflection in the mirror,
That image is that looks back is MINE!
So get off your knees,
Look in the mirror and tell Me what you see,
I didn’t make you in the image of darkness…
I made you in the image of ME.

P.S.

I found this somewhere..I did not actually write it.